I took a day off today. I just couldn’t keep going, not like this. Work has been taking it’s toll on me, even when I do the least these days the mental toll is perhaps the highest it has even been. Atleast, I was able to go home from work having “done” something and derive some sort of satisfaction from that - although I shouldn’t base my life’s “satisfactions” on work, it still was an honest day’s work that I found refuge in.
All that has been taken from me. Now that I’m promoted and compare myself to the others around me, I feel like I don’t do anything in comparison. That whatever I do is just some silly little guy doing silly little stuff because a) he has nothing to do and b) he’s some sorry individual who doesn’t get to do the “cool” stuff like the big boys. My own self hatred and hatred for work that had been assigned to me forbids me from continuing to do what I had been doing.
“But others do the same” is what my “someone higher” would say. This work is like cleaning up shit. When you do the other “important” stuff, then some shit here and there is like a nice change of pace, which is what I imagine is the case for others. If cleaning up shit is ALL you do, then your life starts to get rotten and stink.
In any case, this is only a problem if I try to base my life off of that, if that’s all I have going for myself in life. The archivist is dead, I don’t read anymore, nor do I make stuff or learn, I do something but all that is just an aimless stroll with no direction. I don’t see the next “big thing.” And it has to be “big”, doesn’t it? Always moving about, always “hustling”. Maybe I am just an average kid with big dreams, like the so many other average kids with big dreams out there. Maybe it’s alright to take the small steps. Maybe the next thing doesn’t have to be “big”. So many maybes, and I’m lost again, at life’s crossroads.
“Work is work”, I used to say and believe; that all I needed to do at work is identify the A and B and get from A to B as fast as possible with as little work as possible. It doesn’t have to be all roses and sunshines, which is precisely why they need to pay someone to do it. Sure it can be better, the job and labor market is highly inefficient and I should definitely try to exploit those inefficiencies but that doesn’t mean that I have to be miserable for as long as I’m in my current role.
Maybe if I just breathe slowly, maybe if I didn’t abandon gaming because I “should be working” ( only to end up just worrying and not doing anything ), maybe if I didn’t starve myself because I don’t deserve it. It’s alright if I did not learn anything new today, it’s alright if I watched some movie that I liked, it alright if I just did not be so harsh on myself. The world will not show me any kindness and the ship of a normal life has sailed already. All I can do, all that I can possibly do, is be kind to myself and forsake the world. All I have, and can trust, is myself alone.
I’ll be slow and take rest. I’ll sleep a good eight hours of sleep. I’ll exercise a bit and I’ll watch show or a movie perhaps. I’ll eat good food. I’ll take care of my face and hair. I’ll type slowly and I’ll think more. I’ll breathe slowly and when I’m anxious I’ll breathe slower. I’ll read and I’ll think and most importantly of, I’ll write. I’ll write journals, I’ll write essays, I’ll write poems, stories, ideas, fantasies, anything and everything. I will breathe, slowly and carefully. I’ll listen to music, some treat in hand, forget the things that are expected of me and take a moment to reflect. It’s alright to go slow, it’s alright to breathe slowly.